Zombie

I continue on the Clonazepam. I’m not a complete zombie but I do need a couple of hours sleep during the day or I’m Mr Clumsy.

My support worker was here on Tuesday so we went for a walk. I didn’t have much to say so she spoke about the dramas going on in her life. It might sound off a bit but she’s really nice and is good for me.

My mood has been improving slightly so I’ve been out with my wife to the shops a couple of times. It still all seems really bizzarre having to wear a mask all the time. You see I forget all about the pandemic when I’m cooped up in my little nest, taking my Clonazepam and sleeping.

Like I say my mood has been improving. I’m listening to music, watching TV and even managing to read now. My concentration is much improved. Still I haven’t got my sparkle yet. I’ve still got a wee bit to go.

I’m Only Sleeping

Things have continued to be fairly good mood wise. I have seen a lot of my best friend who has been visiting regularly and we have been going for walks so I have actually got some exercise at last.

My latest fiasco though has been anxiety. I have been worried about everything and nothing. I have this free floating anxiety that is exacerbated by any changes in my life.

I Feel such a fanny as there is nothing tangible to worry about, yet I am panicking all the time.

I saw the shrink who prescribed Diazepam 5mg twice a day. It did help but I was becoming extremely anxious in the evenings. She was very helpful and understanding and has now prescribed Clonazepam 500mcg twice daily. The Clonazepam certainly does the trick in reducing my anxiety but it leaves me feeling dopey and drowsy all the time. I am spending a lot of time sleeping. I don’t really know what to do as on the one hand I don’t want to become one of the walking dead but on the other hand I am not anxious at all now. I think I’ll just sit tight and keep mum and enjoy my sleeps.

Change Of Heart

Well I have really turned the corner now. I am no longer lying in bed all day, I am up and about. I’ve even been out a few times. My appetite has unfortunately returned and I have regained the few pounds that I lost.

I have been mostly sitting about watching TV, not really doing much else. I certainly have no inclination to play or write music just yet. I do however cook the evening meal and wash the dishes but that’s my sole contribution to the housework. My wife does all the washing and cleaning etc. while I laze about.

The community psychiatric nurse continues to visit me at home weekly. She’s really very nice but unfortunately doesn’t really offer much in the way of support, just monitors me. “How have you been eating? How have you been sleeping? Have you been out?…. well that’s good”.

My psychiatrist comes to see me in a couple of days, she is also really nice. She will also quiz me on the usual questions and then say “Well as things seem OK at the moment we shall leave your medication as it is.” I hope she doesn’t ask me to get bloods done for lithium levels again, I’m still paranoid about meeting people and facing the risk of Covid infection.

Down

Been a long time since the last post and a lot has happened. I suddenly sank rapidly into depression, losing interest in everything, tired and unmotivated. Eventually I took to bed not washing or shaving. My appetite left me. My psychiatric nurse wanted me to go into hospital as I wasn’t drinking much. I point blank refused to go to hospital.

Eventually after being encouraged I got up and began to take light snacks. I’m a bit better now. I am now up everyday but still haven’t any interest in much. My shrink thinks this is all a response to coronavirus as I am pessimistic about my chances of survival. I don’t agree, I think this is my typical depressive episode.

Anyway, although still down, I feel I have turned the corner and am moving in the right direction.

No Sleep Till Brooklyn

I’m not sleeping. I don’t know why. I go to bed at 1am and get up at 5am. Hypomania or depression with early morning wakening I really don’t know.

Like everyone else I’m still in shock about COVID-19. Like everyone else I am anxious and worried that my family and I will not get through this. There is nothing to be happy about.

On the other hand I am still being creative, spending my time writing and recording music. I’m unsure about my mood as despite the current situation I am still able to make jokes and laugh. Although I am distressed I don’t feel depressed. I’m still buying stuff online that I don’t really need. I wonder if I’m hypomanic and it is being masked and tempered by the current situation? These are strange days indeed.

It’s the End Of The World As We Know It

What can I say. Devastated!

My little problems are meaningless amid this global catastrophe so I won’t bore you.

Like everyone else I am stuck at home, my only contact with the world is from a TV screen and down a telephone cable. What will happen when the power goes down?

On a positive note there is food in the shops now that all the panic buying is hopefully over.

I wish you all good health and peace.

Coming Up

Yup, I’m on the way up. Everything in the garden is Rosy.

I’m sleeping less, around 5 hours just now. Which is just nice. I’m feeling really positive and have actually written and recorded some music for the first time in ages.

It’s my 60th birthday next week so I have treated myself to two new guitars.

I saw the Community Psychiatric Nurse yesterday. She told me she is being moved to another area and will be leaving next month. This pissed me off, I have had so many changes of psychiatrists and CPNs I have lost count.

Sorry if I’m moaning because I’m actually really happy at the moment. In fact I think if the shrink saw me she’d be prescribing benzos to stop me buying guitars and help me sleep more. But I’m not hypomanic, I’m just nice. I don’t see why doctors have to see happiness as something pathological.

On The Level

Well I am surprised to say that I am on the mend. Although I still feel a bit hollow, I am definitely much better. If 0 is suicidal, 5 is normal and 10 is wired to the moon, I am sitting about 4 at the moment. This is good. I am listening to music and have actually started recording a wee bit.

We had a nice wee break in the city for a couple of days. Nice hotel, lost a few quid in the casino, took in a movie, had a nice meal. etc. A nice time for me and the missus.

I went to the day centre today, just a coffee and a chat but it means a lot to me. Gets me out the house and gives me something to talk about to the wife.

I also had my annual mental health review at the health centre today (Practice Nurse instead of the usual doctor). She asked me about my mood and stuff, did an ECG, blood pressure, weight, etc and said I was OK which was cool.

I am actually losing a bit weight now (long may it continue) since being turned into a Blue Whale by Olanzapine.

Well that’s about it for now my friends. Be happy.

• 

Balancing Act

Well am I getting better or not? I’m not sure. In some ways I am. I’m getting out more and starting to record music again. But on the other hand I feel I am mentally handicapped. I know it’s not a PC term but it is the best way to describe how I feel.

I’ve been out but when I’ve been out I have been lost for words. My previously exuberant vocabulary has been replaced by a series of nods and grunts. This can’t be me. My personality seems to have disintegrated. Meeting old friends all I can seem to say is “how are you?” and nothing else to embellish it with. I have become incredibly shallow.

I am sleeping better, in fact I am sleeping too much now. I go to bed about 1am and wake around 10am but then just lie awake or doze off for an hour or two. I have become incredibly lazy. Shallow and lazy.

As far as my music goes, I have been trying to record some music and have actually managed to some extent but again it is very superficial stuff. Very inadequate.

Although my mood seems to be OKish… maybe a bit below par… I am far from well, far from being myself.

Both my long-term and short-term memories are shot to pieces.

I don’t know if this is down to years of bipolar disorder, or medication, or the after effects of my ECT sessions but I certainly feel brain damaged now. Things can only get better.

• 

Not so Happy New Year

Well my little lift in mood hasn’t really been sustained. It’s not that I am really depressed, just numbed. My mood is flat and I have lost all my sparkle. Finding it hard to smile at things which isn’t me at all. I’m still disinterested in music which is a bad sign.

My early morning wakening persists with me waking up at 4am most mornings. I usually lie for an hour and then either get another small sleep or just get up and watch the news on TV. The TV doesn’t help relax me much with the current crisis in the Middle East.

The community psychiatric nurse and my support worker are now visiting alternate weeks, so I see someone from the team every week. The support worker took me out on Tuesday. We went to another town for a coffee. This got me out the house without the worry of meeting people I know and feeling obliged to make small talk… or even worse big talk.

There’s been no mention of checking my blood lithium levels or reviewing the dose so I’ll just have to wait and see.

It’s our wedding anniversary next month. We had planned to go on holiday but I really don’t feel up to it at the moment. However I’ve agreed to spend a couple of nights in the city. I just hope it pans out OK.