Sadly my exciting episode of hypomania has come to an end. I’ve came back down to earth and earth feels like sludge. I’m not depressed, in fact I feel OK but I am grieving for the loss of all that energy, inspiration and euphoria. I am no longer creating music but am still able to enjoy listening to others. I really, really miss all that optimism and activity. At the moment I am sitting around watching TV, playing online poker and generally doing diddly squat. I’m dreading slipping down into depression which unfortunately usually always follows a high. So in the meantime I am just going to sit tight.
Elevation
My mood remains elevated. I have started to spend a bit more money than I should (thank you Amazon for coming into my home). I’m still only sleeping about 4 hours. Once again I am totally immersed in music. Most of my day is spent writing and recording a new song each day. I am not going out for my daily walks. I did go out to an open mic session on Friday night and was pretty disinhibited, bellowing out so my voice was heard above all others, whipping myself into a frenzy. It seemed a great idea at the time, I was thinking I was way better than all the other artists. In retrospect I feel a bit humiliated by it all. But hey-ho, onwards and upwards. Right, back into the studio!
Music
I’ve stopped going out for walks now. I know I should, if only to shed some weight never mind the socializing stuff. But I’m too busy with my music just now. Writing and recording songs. This is better stuff now, better than the usual drivel I produce. I just wish I could focus better and get on track. I have too many ideas just now.
The Guitar Man
Well after not posting for over two years here I am again after only four days. This is rapid pour moi. I’m not sleeping much, I’m writing this at 3am. I guess I’m getting about four hours sleep a night now. I think I may be hypomanic now, my mood is excellent and everything is great.
I bought a new guitar this week, buying guitars is a sure sign that my mood is elevated. I’m busy all the time now writing and recording music, my creative juices are flowing. I plan to book a holiday (vacation) tomorrow. My wife is a bit dubious about this but what the hell you only live once (or twice if you are James Bond).
I’ve started going out for walks now. I haven’t been out for a long time. So that’s about it just now, I’ll get back to playing the guitar.
Getting Better
It’s been nearly two years since my last post, I’ve been mostly unwell. This year in particular, I was depressed for almost 6 months. Not going out, often staying in bed, not washing or dressing a lot of the time. The good news is I turned the corner about a month ago and have surfaced fairly quickly. My mood now is slightly elevated. I’m busy writing and recording music much of the time. When I’m not recording music I’m playing online poker. I’m not sleeping most of the time anymore. I only manage 4-5 hours a night now. I am happy and all in the world is just rinky dinky.
Unfortunately my delightful shrink left last year. She was warm, engaging and very inclusive, very empathic (or empathetic… whatever the word is). I miss her. She was replaced by a doctor who was very clinical and prescriptive. She immediately changed my meds which initially concerned me but to be honest I don’t think my mood swings have been quite as severe and I haven’t ended up in hospital again. Anyway, a few weeks ago I was allocated another Consultant and she is friendly and inclusive, involving me in all decisions regarding my care. Nice.
So anyway, here I am, happy as Larry. Onwards and upwards. Catch you next time!
Sense Of Purpose
I was really down for a long time. Lots of bed days, lots of no washing, no shaving days. I’m slowly slipping out of it now. Not normal but just below par. I have no sense of optimism but feel a slight sense of purpose.
Zombie
I continue on the Clonazepam. I’m not a complete zombie but I do need a couple of hours sleep during the day or I’m Mr Clumsy.
My support worker was here on Tuesday so we went for a walk. I didn’t have much to say so she spoke about the dramas going on in her life. It might sound off a bit but she’s really nice and is good for me.
My mood has been improving slightly so I’ve been out with my wife to the shops a couple of times. It still all seems really bizzarre having to wear a mask all the time. You see I forget all about the pandemic when I’m cooped up in my little nest, taking my Clonazepam and sleeping.
Like I say my mood has been improving. I’m listening to music, watching TV and even managing to read now. My concentration is much improved. Still I haven’t got my sparkle yet. I’ve still got a wee bit to go.
I’m Only Sleeping
Things have continued to be fairly good mood wise. I have seen a lot of my best friend who has been visiting regularly and we have been going for walks so I have actually got some exercise at last.
My latest fiasco though has been anxiety. I have been worried about everything and nothing. I have this free floating anxiety that is exacerbated by any changes in my life.
I Feel such a fanny as there is nothing tangible to worry about, yet I am panicking all the time.
I saw the shrink who prescribed Diazepam 5mg twice a day. It did help but I was becoming extremely anxious in the evenings. She was very helpful and understanding and has now prescribed Clonazepam 500mcg twice daily. The Clonazepam certainly does the trick in reducing my anxiety but it leaves me feeling dopey and drowsy all the time. I am spending a lot of time sleeping. I don’t really know what to do as on the one hand I don’t want to become one of the walking dead but on the other hand I am not anxious at all now. I think I’ll just sit tight and keep mum and enjoy my sleeps.
Change Of Heart
Well I have really turned the corner now. I am no longer lying in bed all day, I am up and about. I’ve even been out a few times. My appetite has unfortunately returned and I have regained the few pounds that I lost.
I have been mostly sitting about watching TV, not really doing much else. I certainly have no inclination to play or write music just yet. I do however cook the evening meal and wash the dishes but that’s my sole contribution to the housework. My wife does all the washing and cleaning etc. while I laze about.
The community psychiatric nurse continues to visit me at home weekly. She’s really very nice but unfortunately doesn’t really offer much in the way of support, just monitors me. “How have you been eating? How have you been sleeping? Have you been out?…. well that’s good”.
My psychiatrist comes to see me in a couple of days, she is also really nice. She will also quiz me on the usual questions and then say “Well as things seem OK at the moment we shall leave your medication as it is.” I hope she doesn’t ask me to get bloods done for lithium levels again, I’m still paranoid about meeting people and facing the risk of Covid infection.
Down
Been a long time since the last post and a lot has happened. I suddenly sank rapidly into depression, losing interest in everything, tired and unmotivated. Eventually I took to bed not washing or shaving. My appetite left me. My psychiatric nurse wanted me to go into hospital as I wasn’t drinking much. I point blank refused to go to hospital.
Eventually after being encouraged I got up and began to take light snacks. I’m a bit better now. I am now up everyday but still haven’t any interest in much. My shrink thinks this is all a response to coronavirus as I am pessimistic about my chances of survival. I don’t agree, I think this is my typical depressive episode.
Anyway, although still down, I feel I have turned the corner and am moving in the right direction.
Bipolar Stroller 